Even if you are not in the acting world, I am betting you have heard the term “pacing.” In Acting and Improv, the pause and the silence is as powerful as the spoken word. New Englanders and particularly New Yorkers are good at talking—and talking fast. The thing about talking is this — when you are speaking you are not listening. We all know that. Yet, most of us are already forming our responses before the other person has fully expressed their point of view. When you think about it, how unproductive is that? I am always shocked at myself when my acting coach stops a scene and asks if I have heard what my scene partner just said and I have to admit “No, I was too busy thinking about my response.” And wouldn’t you know what I missed was really relevant.
The other thing about the moments of silence is that they are powerful. They put greater emphasis on what was just said. The other person or the audience will most likely dwell on what you just said since they don’t have to process something coming right after.
It’s actually curious that we often feel compelled to talk… and talk… and talk. The reason for continued talking is probably as far ranging as the words themselves:
- We are afraid we won’t be heard
- We need, want, crave, or desire attention
- We feel like what we have to say is more important than what the other guy is saying
- We are nervous
- It’s a habit
- It’s what we learned in our homes
- We are afraid of silence
Here’s what I’ve noticed at this stage of life — the older I get, the more I understand that the wisest people in the room are rarely the loudest ones. We’ve earned our stories and we want to share them. But what if the greatest gift we could give — to our children, our grandchildren, our friends — is the gift of being truly heard? Pacing isn’t just an acting technique. It’s a practice in presence. And presence, I’ve come to believe, is one of the most loving things we can offer another person.
My acting coach has been slipping in specific exercises to get me comfortable with the white space of a conversation. Playing a scene where the first minute I listen to my scene partner before I say a word. Now there’s a challenge! A minute is a long time when all you are required to do is stay attentive and keep your mouth shut. The funny thing is — the more you practice it, not only the easier it gets but it’s actually relaxing. Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself and see what it does for the conversation and how you feel. You might just surprise yourself in how good you get at listening — and what that does to the others around you.